Over the next few months I began adjusting to my new life, difficult would be an understatement, I saw my baby girls and then I would see their mother. The woman I had been with for 16 years of my life, and yes, by the gods there were bad times, but I still was clinging to some sort of hope of fixing our family. I made one last effort to try and work things out with my wife and again I was met with complete shutdown. It was at this moment that all hope to fix our broken family left me and I was then left with the enormous task of fixing me.
I was open with my ex, and told her I was signing up for OKcupid, one of those dating sites that heppened to be free. Free was important as I was almost always broke, from the moment I moved out I was giving my ex more money than I had to offer, all in the name of my baby girls. I could go into a diatribe about what she actually spent the money on, but again, this isn't about burying a certain someone. Let's just say it led to many an arguement, as I couldn't pay for my most basic of bills yet someone had enough money to pay for $90 bar tabs and rooms at the Marriott.
Eventually I did meet someone on OKcupid, oddly enough it was one line in her profile that completely hooked me, she was asked to list 6 things you absolutely could not live without. One of the things she listed was NPR....National Public Radio...my mind immediately said "yeah right", I sent her a message thinking I was going to call her out on this and thankfully I was pleasantly surprised. Not only did she listen to NPR, but she loved it as much as I did. We spent the next four days texting endlessly, our connection was so strong that I came home from Thanksgiving vacation a day early to meet her in person. It is now a few months later and we have spent so much time together, and I am more than happy to say that I am madly in love with her and her me.
Since that time I have learned that my ex is dating, according to her she doesn't have a boyfriend, just multiple friends who happen to be boys. Whenever I think of this I get this anxiety wave coming over me, I get upset and depressed. At first I thought it was jealousy, but the more I thought about it and analyzed it I realized that it was not jealousy, as jealousy signifies wanting. I did not want to be with my ex, in fact not a single cell in my body wanted or wants to be with my ex, what I deal with is what I now call the "why not me syndrome". I assumed that my ex was going out with different men, giggling at their jokes, smiling at them and making them feel like they were the most awesome guy in the World, and yes, for some having sex with them. Making them feel wanted and needed without begging her to do so. My brain kept asking, why wouldn't she do this for me, her husband, the man who agreed to marry her all those years ago. How could she freely give her body to a stranger when she would need a double bottle of wine just to make love to me. Was I that horrible of a person, obviously I was smart enough to understand no I wasn't that horrible, but that was little consolation.
And yes, I understand the hypocracy of my dilemma, I have a girlfriend, a wonderful woman who loves me dearly and I love her. But I still feel this way, not all the time, but now and again, I still ask myself....why not me...
Sunday, February 7, 2016
The Beginning (or is it end)...
Let me preface everything I write from here on out, including all future posts and this one, that everything I write is from my point of view, obviously, and I know there are three sides to every story. In this case mine, my ex-wife's, and the truth. The purpose of this blog is not to "bury" my ex-wife but to write my thoughts down and share them with whomever and hopefully heal.
The night this all began I will never forget, it was a long time coming, though only a few close friends really knew. This particular evening we had another one of our arguments and unfortunately it took place in front of our two wonderful children. As my two girls stood crying on the couch begging mommy and daddy to stop the words were screamed at me once again...."get out"...now, she has said these words to me many a time, but I don't think they were ever truly meant. This time I locked eyes with her and asked if she meant it this time, I can't remember what was actually said, but it was clear she did mean it. In an instant I had an internal discussion and the answer came out of my mouth just as quickly.
"fine....I'm gone..."
I have two regrets that night, the first and most important is knowing I will never erase the scar from my memory of my baby girls crying and begging mommy and daddy to just stop fighting and the words that I spoke to their mother that night. I can't remember what was said to provoke me but at some point I countered with..."that's fine...I was done with your ass years ago...". Months later I couldn't believe how mean those words were and that I said them to my wife.
When I awoke the next day I was still upset and set into motion the events that would lead me to actually moving out. The logistics of moving out was truly a nightmare and luckily for her she never had to deal with any of that as I was the one who moved and she stayed in our house. Over the next few weeks everything was set into place...not once during this time was I ever asked to not go or let's talk about this, which just stubbornly made me even more determined. One weekend while she was away at the beach with the girls, I moved out, now she knew it was happening and we both didn't want the girls there to see it. I won't even get into the nightmare that became the move or the following weeks, but what I will say is the enormous feeling of loneliness that came over me. Yes, I slept next to a woman who was my wife for many, many a year but I always felt lonely, and that left me with a massive hole in my heart and low self esteem. The new loneliness I felt was not coming home to my baby girls or to someone who once claimed she loved me.
I could go on and on about some of the horrible things she did while we were together for 16 years, but as I said, this isn't about burying her and hopefully it can be about healing. After the initial anger I felt towards her dissipated, a month or so later, I began to try and work things out. To try and save our family, and I knew we couldn't do it alone, we would need theapy or counseling and I was willing. But by this time she had made up her mind that it was over and that there was nothing worth fighting for, I was left with the emphatic belief that a 16 year relationship and our family wasn't worth fighting for.
That's enough emotions for one post...more to come...
The night this all began I will never forget, it was a long time coming, though only a few close friends really knew. This particular evening we had another one of our arguments and unfortunately it took place in front of our two wonderful children. As my two girls stood crying on the couch begging mommy and daddy to stop the words were screamed at me once again...."get out"...now, she has said these words to me many a time, but I don't think they were ever truly meant. This time I locked eyes with her and asked if she meant it this time, I can't remember what was actually said, but it was clear she did mean it. In an instant I had an internal discussion and the answer came out of my mouth just as quickly.
"fine....I'm gone..."
I have two regrets that night, the first and most important is knowing I will never erase the scar from my memory of my baby girls crying and begging mommy and daddy to just stop fighting and the words that I spoke to their mother that night. I can't remember what was said to provoke me but at some point I countered with..."that's fine...I was done with your ass years ago...". Months later I couldn't believe how mean those words were and that I said them to my wife.
When I awoke the next day I was still upset and set into motion the events that would lead me to actually moving out. The logistics of moving out was truly a nightmare and luckily for her she never had to deal with any of that as I was the one who moved and she stayed in our house. Over the next few weeks everything was set into place...not once during this time was I ever asked to not go or let's talk about this, which just stubbornly made me even more determined. One weekend while she was away at the beach with the girls, I moved out, now she knew it was happening and we both didn't want the girls there to see it. I won't even get into the nightmare that became the move or the following weeks, but what I will say is the enormous feeling of loneliness that came over me. Yes, I slept next to a woman who was my wife for many, many a year but I always felt lonely, and that left me with a massive hole in my heart and low self esteem. The new loneliness I felt was not coming home to my baby girls or to someone who once claimed she loved me.
I could go on and on about some of the horrible things she did while we were together for 16 years, but as I said, this isn't about burying her and hopefully it can be about healing. After the initial anger I felt towards her dissipated, a month or so later, I began to try and work things out. To try and save our family, and I knew we couldn't do it alone, we would need theapy or counseling and I was willing. But by this time she had made up her mind that it was over and that there was nothing worth fighting for, I was left with the emphatic belief that a 16 year relationship and our family wasn't worth fighting for.
That's enough emotions for one post...more to come...
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