Over the next few months I began adjusting to my new life, difficult would be an understatement, I saw my baby girls and then I would see their mother. The woman I had been with for 16 years of my life, and yes, by the gods there were bad times, but I still was clinging to some sort of hope of fixing our family. I made one last effort to try and work things out with my wife and again I was met with complete shutdown. It was at this moment that all hope to fix our broken family left me and I was then left with the enormous task of fixing me.
I was open with my ex, and told her I was signing up for OKcupid, one of those dating sites that heppened to be free. Free was important as I was almost always broke, from the moment I moved out I was giving my ex more money than I had to offer, all in the name of my baby girls. I could go into a diatribe about what she actually spent the money on, but again, this isn't about burying a certain someone. Let's just say it led to many an arguement, as I couldn't pay for my most basic of bills yet someone had enough money to pay for $90 bar tabs and rooms at the Marriott.
Eventually I did meet someone on OKcupid, oddly enough it was one line in her profile that completely hooked me, she was asked to list 6 things you absolutely could not live without. One of the things she listed was NPR....National Public Radio...my mind immediately said "yeah right", I sent her a message thinking I was going to call her out on this and thankfully I was pleasantly surprised. Not only did she listen to NPR, but she loved it as much as I did. We spent the next four days texting endlessly, our connection was so strong that I came home from Thanksgiving vacation a day early to meet her in person. It is now a few months later and we have spent so much time together, and I am more than happy to say that I am madly in love with her and her me.
Since that time I have learned that my ex is dating, according to her she doesn't have a boyfriend, just multiple friends who happen to be boys. Whenever I think of this I get this anxiety wave coming over me, I get upset and depressed. At first I thought it was jealousy, but the more I thought about it and analyzed it I realized that it was not jealousy, as jealousy signifies wanting. I did not want to be with my ex, in fact not a single cell in my body wanted or wants to be with my ex, what I deal with is what I now call the "why not me syndrome". I assumed that my ex was going out with different men, giggling at their jokes, smiling at them and making them feel like they were the most awesome guy in the World, and yes, for some having sex with them. Making them feel wanted and needed without begging her to do so. My brain kept asking, why wouldn't she do this for me, her husband, the man who agreed to marry her all those years ago. How could she freely give her body to a stranger when she would need a double bottle of wine just to make love to me. Was I that horrible of a person, obviously I was smart enough to understand no I wasn't that horrible, but that was little consolation.
And yes, I understand the hypocracy of my dilemma, I have a girlfriend, a wonderful woman who loves me dearly and I love her. But I still feel this way, not all the time, but now and again, I still ask myself....why not me...
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