Let me preface everything I write from here on out, including all future posts and this one, that everything I write is from my point of view, obviously, and I know there are three sides to every story. In this case mine, my ex-wife's, and the truth. The purpose of this blog is not to "bury" my ex-wife but to write my thoughts down and share them with whomever and hopefully heal.
The night this all began I will never forget, it was a long time coming, though only a few close friends really knew. This particular evening we had another one of our arguments and unfortunately it took place in front of our two wonderful children. As my two girls stood crying on the couch begging mommy and daddy to stop the words were screamed at me once again...."get out"...now, she has said these words to me many a time, but I don't think they were ever truly meant. This time I locked eyes with her and asked if she meant it this time, I can't remember what was actually said, but it was clear she did mean it. In an instant I had an internal discussion and the answer came out of my mouth just as quickly.
"fine....I'm gone..."
I have two regrets that night, the first and most important is knowing I will never erase the scar from my memory of my baby girls crying and begging mommy and daddy to just stop fighting and the words that I spoke to their mother that night. I can't remember what was said to provoke me but at some point I countered with..."that's fine...I was done with your ass years ago...". Months later I couldn't believe how mean those words were and that I said them to my wife.
When I awoke the next day I was still upset and set into motion the events that would lead me to actually moving out. The logistics of moving out was truly a nightmare and luckily for her she never had to deal with any of that as I was the one who moved and she stayed in our house. Over the next few weeks everything was set into place...not once during this time was I ever asked to not go or let's talk about this, which just stubbornly made me even more determined. One weekend while she was away at the beach with the girls, I moved out, now she knew it was happening and we both didn't want the girls there to see it. I won't even get into the nightmare that became the move or the following weeks, but what I will say is the enormous feeling of loneliness that came over me. Yes, I slept next to a woman who was my wife for many, many a year but I always felt lonely, and that left me with a massive hole in my heart and low self esteem. The new loneliness I felt was not coming home to my baby girls or to someone who once claimed she loved me.
I could go on and on about some of the horrible things she did while we were together for 16 years, but as I said, this isn't about burying her and hopefully it can be about healing. After the initial anger I felt towards her dissipated, a month or so later, I began to try and work things out. To try and save our family, and I knew we couldn't do it alone, we would need theapy or counseling and I was willing. But by this time she had made up her mind that it was over and that there was nothing worth fighting for, I was left with the emphatic belief that a 16 year relationship and our family wasn't worth fighting for.
That's enough emotions for one post...more to come...
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